[Filter: Private]

... I wish ...

Well, there's no use wishing. It's just as I thought. Stephanie is ... she's better off, not knowing. I'm doing her a favour, really. And the drugs give her time to sleep. She does push herself so hard ...

I just --

I miss how it was with Myca, at the end. Once we ... once we knew. I love Stephanie, I truly do, but the loneliness ... it's starting to creep up, again. It's ...

I just wish she would see all that I've done for her, and repay me. Don't I deserve her love?

Edeyn would be so furious, if she knows that I'm thinking like this, again. And ... haha, she'll try to make me stop, too. I know she will. She won't see how kind I'm being, to be sure that Stephanie doesn't know. It won't matter to her how much care I take when I mix the formulas. She won't see how much it helps me, feeling Stephanine so soft and sweet and pure under my hands.

She can't ... she can't know.

[Filter: Edeyn]

I don't suppose there's been any progress with the situation with Kiara? I haven't gotten attacked in the hallways, at least, lately ...

[Filter: Stephanie]

I ...

Stephanie, I just finished with Lancel for the day, and I had some time, and I -- I've had some things on my mind, and I was wondering ... wondering if maybe you would like to talk to me, if you also have some time? It's ... I've wanted to talk, for a while. For quite a while.

[Filter: Private]

Dragons.

[Filter: Edeyn]

Er, Edeyn ...?

Your sister just came up to me out of nowhere in the halls. She cornered me, really. And she looked angry. And then she just started yelling at me about how I needed to talk to you about "this" and how she couldn't believe that I would ever be alright with it, and that you should go and have your own daughters if you wanted someone to control the lives of and then she demanded that I stay away from Paige and stalked off.

I've never seen Kiara like that ... and, ah ... I'm not exactly sure what she was talking about. Any of it.

Did you ... have a fight? Or

[Filter: Stephanie]

Er, Stephanie, I thought ...

Well, I know it's getting told cold to go out to our little grove, and I'm sorry we didn't get to take the others before the first snow. But I ... is there anything else you'd like to do, just the two of us? I've ... missed our time alone. And you could use the rest. Haha, doesn't it seem that everytime we're together like that, you fall asleep? You must be pushing yourself.

We can't have that ...

[Filter: Private]

I think this is the first holiday since then, where I haven't felt ... where I haven't ...

... I don't want to die, anymore. I ... I have my daughters, and Edeyn, and ... and Stephanie. Beautiful, pure Stephanie. That's good enough. That will have to be.

Don't hate me, Myca. I haven't forgotten you. I ... never will. Never could. You're in my heart, forever. Like Kyrene. Like Kouri. Like all the others I've lost ...

[Filter: Public]

Ah, girls, would you like to help me get Lancel back up to his room? I don't think I can do it alone, and I don't think a hurricane could wake him to take himself ...

Haha, but don't worry. I'm not sending you all off to bed yet. It may be getting dark, but there's still plenty of hours left before that.

Would you all like to play a game, once we get back?

[Filter: Edeyn]

I think ... that went over very well, don't you?

[Filter: Edeyn]

I did eventually speak with Linnell's instructor ...

[Filter: Private]

If she says that she's alright ... I'll just need to believe her. If I ask her mother, I know she'll find out, and she'll be furious that I didn't trust her. And I'm sure she's being honest. She does overwork herself. Exhaustion can often lead to fainting spells and dizziness, when one takes it to the level Edeyn does. It's most likely that she just needs some rest.

But most likely doesn't mean "for certain," and it wouldn't be the first time that she tried to be stronger than she really is ...

... oh, Edeyn, I ... without you, I ... ...

[Filter: Stephanie]

S-Stephanie, I ... I thought we might ...

Well, it's nearly autumn, and the summer will be over. I thought before it gets too cold and the first snows fall, we could ... go to our little glade, again, and ...

[Filter: Edeyn]

I'm going to ask you this, and you need to be honest with me. Please.

Did you speak to your mother? And if so, what did she say? Please, Edeyn, don't just tell me something comforting to make me go away. I'm worried. I'm ... going out of my head, actually. I can't focus on my work, I'm scattered everywhere ... I keep dreaming that you're deathly ill and I can't save you ... like I couldn't save my mother, or Myca ...

I'm sure I'm completely blowing this out of porportion and you just need to change your diet, but ...

I've lost so many, so often. I ... it wouldn't surpise me, if ...

Please.

[Filter: Private]

Stephanie.

Beaitiful, innocent, wonderful Stephanie, why can I not stop thinking about you? It's distracting me from my work, it's taking up all of my attention. Ever since ... ever since that day, I can't sleep, my thoughts are always with you. When I do sleep, I dream, oh, Stephanie, you're so beautiful in my dreams, I ... I ...

I need to ...

Stop this.

I need to stop this.

This isn't like Myca. It won't -- I tried to do it the right way and she -- it's never going to turn out like Myca, where he wanted it all along. If I ... if I let this get out of hand, then it will become ...

This could get out of control so easily ... so quickly ... and then ... then I'd really be the monster I've always felt like, wouldn't I ...? If ... if I ...

Stephanie ...

Oh, Stephanie ...

I ...

Focus.

Lancel needs me, I -- I need to focus.




I ... I should tell Edeyn. She'd keep me from doing a thing, I know she would. She's always taken care of me. She's always ... she'd protect me from myself ... I ... she ...

But I don't want her to. If I tell her what I've been thinking ... the thoughts I've been having ... what I did, and how difficult it was to stop ...

She'll stop me, and then it'll be over. And I -- haha, I don't want that at all, do I? No ... no, I don't.

Focus, Symeon. Focus.

[Filter: Private]






I should feel guilty. I ... I did feel guilty. I know I did. I could have gone so much further, with her lying there, so innocent, so oblivious, peaceful and resting. I could have ...

But I didn't. I stopped, and I remember thinking that I did it for a reason. I felt bad. I felt wrong.

But now ... now I'm just filled with regret. And longing ...

Stephanie ...

I hope you would understand that if I could, I would never drug you like I did. I didn't want to do that again, not after Myca. But you reacted so poorly when I kissed you, wasn't it the only way? It's your feelings I'm considering, dear one ...

I should feel guilty. I don't.

[Filter: St

No, it's ... it's too soon.

[Filter: Public]

How is ... everyone feeling? I know I've been terribly busy lately, girls. I'm sorry I haven't been there as much as usual. But there are still so many things I don't understand about Lancel's case, and so much reading to do, and ... well, it all just gets away from me when I wrap myself up in it.

[Filter: Private]

I

I missed his birthday.

How could I have just forgotten like that? I was -- it doesn't matter what I was doing, or who with, or anyt of that. There are two days of the year when I have to remember him ... miss him ... let myself be swept away with how empty it is without him ...

And I ... just forgot.

How could I have ...

Myca ... oh, Myca, you were so ...

[Filter: Stephanie]

... how have you found tending to Lancel so far, Stephanie?

[Filter: Private]

It's not contagious, then. I had suspected, since my own health hadn't declined, but the certainty is a burden off of my heart. This allows me more freedom in how to treat him ...

But it isn't consumption, either. It's different. It ... behaves differently. Not so virulent, but more consistently there, a more constant stress on the body.

One things's for certain ... now that I've found out what it's not, I can have more time to allow myself to know what it is. With the medication we're giving him now, he should be lucid and awake most of the time. We'll start to get to know him, be able to speak to him, learn about where he's been, where he came from ... the process of his his disease.

But first ...

Haha, I don't even know what day it is. I need to sleep. I need to eat. I need to ... rest. I know that I do. A physician's This has consumed me ...



He is ...

[Filter: Edeyn]

Thank your mother again for me, Edeyn. I couldn't have learned what I have without her help. She's been ... very useful. A blessing, even.

[Filter: Private]

... it's a solid idea. It would be good for them, an object lesson with little chance of disaster. There's a lot they could learn from having a role in this. And it would be good for me, to have the help, to have someone to help carry this burden ...

But a part of me doesn't want to share this. Or him. I already feel like enough of a failure for needing Lovey to help me with what I've learned so far, no matter how useful or important it's been.

... haha, how silly is that? I know what this is about. I know I'm just seeing Myca, seeing ... seeing a chance to make up for how I couldn't save him, and that will only make me a worse physician, but I can't ...

No. No, I need to.

"Sharing" him is the first start.

[Filter: Linnell, Lian, Lissandra, Stephanie, Edeyn]

I think I owe it to you all to explain a bit about our guest.

His name is Lancel and he's probably about eighteen years old, but I don't know much more about him. He's been very feverish since he came here and barely lucid most of the time. I've been trying to determine just the very basics about his illness so that I can treat the symptomns while looking for the underlying cause.

... well, thanks to Edeyn's mother, I've managed to stabilize him, for the most part. We should start seeing him being more ... present, answering questions ... and he doesn't need me all the time, anymore.

But he does need someone ...

I think you girls could help me. Er, not you, Edeyn, you're just ... here for the update. But the rest of you are all very talented in your lessons with me about medicine, and I thought that if Lancel had some strong nurses taking shifts, I could be more ... fresh, and be able to help him more. And it would teach all you responsibility ... learning ...

... you don't have to agree. But it would be good for all of you ... and for me.

Er, just ... yes.

[Filter: Private]

Stephanie ...

You're growing every day, but you never lose that ... that innocence. It shines through you. I hope you never lose it. That would be ... too cruel. You should stay pure like that, forever. Like Myca ...

Even though you've been so hurt, you're still so good. It makes me think that the world isn't so bad a place after all ... when there are people like you.

[Filter: Stephanie]

I really am impressed at how much you've been learning, Stephanie ... you take your studies so seriously. It says a lot about you ...

[Filter: Edeyn]

Er, I forgot to ask earlier ... how did your errand in the city go?

[Filter: Private]

... they really are good memories. A lifetime of them, and ...

This ... this isn't worth it. It can't be, I --

[Filter: Edeyn]

I hate fighting, Edeyn. I want everything to be normal again. Please.

[Filter: Private]

I'm not an idiot. Even I know when something isn't a good idea. Confiding all my complicated problems in my fourteen year old daughter ... haha. Yes, that's the definition of a bad idea, really ...

But who do I have, other than Edeyn? Kouri is gone, Myca is gone ... and only Edeyn knows me completely. I can't ...

I ... really don't know what I can do without her.

But apologizing? She'll want me to do what she says and I ...

It was hard enough with Lian, and it will just hurt them ... and I don't want to. My mother would never have told me, and she was the strongest person I ever knew. Surely what I'm doing is only what she would have done, but ... gentler.</small>

I ... just don't know.

Edeyn, why does it have to be like this?

[Filter: Edeyn]

I-I ... I'm not telling the girls about what happened.

[Filter: Lian]

Lian ...

Lian, darling, I really can't --

Please, I ... I know you're upset. I just. I just need you to talk to me. Please, Lian, precious, please ...

[Filter: Private]

Oh, Dragons. What did she see? What did she read?

Dragons, Dragons, Dragons Light and Dark.

It's over. Everything ... everything I have, everything I've worked for, everything I love, it's all gone. Lian ... oh, Lian, my precious girl, what do you know? What ...

Kyrene, why are you not here? Mother, even ... you would know.

[Filter: Lian]

Lian.

Lian, darling, you need to talk to me. You know to tell me what's wrong. I can't do anything until I know what's wrong, darling, please, please tell me what happened, please.

[Filter: Edeyn]

She was in my room. She had my journal. That's the only answer, it ... it was on the ground, pages crushed. She ...

I don't know what she saw. I don't know what to do.

Please, please, Edeyn, you ... you need to fix this. You need to tell me how to fix this. I don't know what to do. She won't answer her door. I knock and beg and she won't say a word to me.

[Filter: Lissandra, Linnell]

Girls, please, if you know anything about your sister, about why she's upset, please, tell me. Please. I want to help her, more than anything.

[Filter: Private]

I can't --

I can't stop thinking about her. Dragons, her face is in my dreams. I always ... I suppose I always had these feelings for her, lurking somewhere ... since Myca died, at least. I couldn't have loved someone with him still here.

But ...

... I can't hurt her. From how she reacted, she -- I never meant to hurt her. I want to do just the opposite. I want to protect her from everything ... from everyone ...

Oh, Stephanie ...

She's still so nervous around me, even now. After so much time ... it's not just going to right itself. I need to fix it.

[Filter: Stephanie]

Ah, Stephanie?

[Filter: Private]

I

I hadn't ... I hadn't intended for this to happen. I just ... she looked so innocent. So ... so pure and beautiful, and she needed me, she needs me to take care of her, and ...

... Edeyn can't know. She says she won't breathe a word, but she looked so shaken. Dragons, I didn't mean to hurt her. I thought

Edeyn can't know. I She She won't forgive me so easily, not this time. I need to be sure that she doesn't breathe a word.

This wasn't what I wanted, but ... but I can't get her face out of my head. Stephanie ...