TO UNEXPLAIN THE UNFORGIVEABLE

Sat, 27 Jun 2009 07:17:34 GMT

[Filter: Private]

I

I missed his birthday.

How could I have just forgotten like that? I was -- it doesn't matter what I was doing, or who with, or anyt of that. There are two days of the year when I have to remember him ... miss him ... let myself be swept away with how empty it is without him ...

And I ... just forgot.

How could I have ...

Myca ... oh, Myca, you were so ...

[Filter: Stephanie]

... how have you found tending to Lancel so far, Stephanie?

Mon, 22 Jun 2009 20:51:50 GMT

[Filter: Private]

It's not contagious, then. I had suspected, since my own health hadn't declined, but the certainty is a burden off of my heart. This allows me more freedom in how to treat him ...

But it isn't consumption, either. It's different. It ... behaves differently. Not so virulent, but more consistently there, a more constant stress on the body.

One things's for certain ... now that I've found out what it's not, I can have more time to allow myself to know what it is. With the medication we're giving him now, he should be lucid and awake most of the time. We'll start to get to know him, be able to speak to him, learn about where he's been, where he came from ... the process of his his disease.

But first ...

Haha, I don't even know what day it is. I need to sleep. I need to eat. I need to ... rest. I know that I do. A physician's This has consumed me ...

~~He is ...~~

[Filter: Edeyn]

Thank your mother again for me, Edeyn. I couldn't have learned what I have without her help. She's been ... very useful. A blessing, even.

[Filter: Private]

... it's a solid idea. It would be good for them, an object lesson with little chance of disaster. There's a lot they could learn from having a role in this. And it would be good for me, to have the help, to have someone to help carry this burden ...

But a part of me doesn't want to share this. Or him. I already feel like enough of a failure for needing Lovey to help me with what I've learned so far, no matter how useful or important it's been.

... haha, how silly is that? I know what this is about. I know I'm just seeing Myca, seeing ... seeing a chance to make up for how I couldn't save him, and that will only make me a worse physician, but I can't ...

No. No, I need to.

"Sharing" him is the first start.

[Filter: Linnell, Lian, Lissandra, Stephanie, Edeyn]

I think I owe it to you all to explain a bit about our guest.

His name is Lancel and he's probably about eighteen years old, but I don't know much more about him. He's been very feverish since he came here and barely lucid most of the time. I've been trying to determine just the very basics about his illness so that I can treat the symptomns while looking for the underlying cause.

... well, thanks to Edeyn's mother, I've managed to stabilize him, for the most part. We should start seeing him being more ... present, answering questions ... and he doesn't need me all the time, anymore.

But he does need someone ...

I think you girls could help me. Er, not you, Edeyn, you're just ... here for the update. But the rest of you are all very talented in your lessons with me about medicine, and I thought that if Lancel had some strong nurses taking shifts, I could be more ... fresh, and be able to help him more. And it would teach all you responsibility ... learning ...

... you don't have to agree. But it would be good for all of you ... and for me.

Er, just ... yes.

Mon, 18 May 2009 00:54:04 GMT

[Filter: Private]

Stephanie ...

You're growing every day, but you never lose that ... that innocence. It shines through you. I hope you never lose it. That would be ... too cruel. You should stay pure like that, forever. Like Myca ...

Even though you've been so hurt, you're still so good. It makes me think that the world isn't so bad a place after all ... when there are people like you.

[Filter: Stephanie]

I really am impressed at how much you've been learning, Stephanie ... you take your studies so seriously. It says a lot about you ...

[Filter: Edeyn]

Er, I forgot to ask earlier ... how did your errand in the city go?

Sun, 03 May 2009 17:40:19 GMT

[Filter: Private]

... they really are good memories. A lifetime of them, and ...

This ... this isn't worth it. It can't be, I --

[Filter: Edeyn]

I hate fighting, Edeyn. I want everything to be normal again. Please.

Mon, 20 Apr 2009 04:08:27 GMT

[Filter: Private]

I'm not an idiot. Even I know when something isn't a good idea. Confiding all my complicated problems in my fourteen year old daughter ... haha. Yes, that's the definition of a bad idea, really ...

But who do I have, other than Edeyn? Kouri is gone, Myca is gone ... and only Edeyn knows me completely. I can't ...

I ... really don't know what I can do without her.

But apologizing? She'll want me to do what she says and I ...

It was hard enough with Lian, and it will just hurt them ... and I don't want to. My mother would never have told me, and she was the strongest person I ever knew. Surely what I'm doing is only what she would have done, but ... gentler.</small>

I ... just don't know.

Edeyn, why does it have to be like this?

Fri, 03 Apr 2009 13:20:02 GMT

[Filter: Edeyn]

I-I ... I'm not telling the girls about what happened.

Tue, 17 Mar 2009 00:18:41 GMT

[Filter: Lian]

Lian ...

Lian, darling, I really can't --

Please, I ... I know you're upset. I just. I just need you to talk to me. Please, Lian, precious, please ...

Mon, 09 Mar 2009 05:38:10 GMT

[Filter: Private]

Oh, Dragons. What did she see? What did she read?

Dragons, Dragons, Dragons Light and Dark.

It's over. Everything ... everything I have, everything I've worked for, everything I love, it's all gone. Lian ... oh, Lian, my precious girl, what do you know? What ...

Kyrene, why are you not here? Mother, even ... you would know.

[Filter: Lian]

Lian.

Lian, darling, you need to talk to me. You know to tell me what's wrong. I can't do anything until I know what's wrong, darling, please, please tell me what happened, please.

[Filter: Edeyn]

She was in my room. She had my journal. That's the only answer, it ... it was on the ground, pages crushed. She ...

I don't know what she saw. I don't know what to do.

Please, please, Edeyn, you ... you need to fix this. You need to tell me how to fix this. I don't know what to do. She won't answer her door. I knock and beg and she won't say a word to me.

[Filter: Lissandra, Linnell]

Girls, please, if you know anything about your sister, about why she's upset, please, tell me. Please. I want to help her, more than anything.

Thu, 05 Mar 2009 20:43:38 GMT

[Filter: Private]

I can't --

I can't stop thinking about her. Dragons, her face is in my dreams. I always ... I suppose I always had these feelings for her, lurking somewhere ... since Myca died, at least. I couldn't have loved someone with him still here.

But ...

... I can't hurt her. From how she reacted, she -- I never meant to hurt her. I want to do just the opposite. I want to protect her from everything ... from everyone ...

Oh, Stephanie ...

She's still so nervous around me, even now. After so much time ... it's not just going to right itself. I need to fix it.

[Filter: Stephanie]

Ah, Stephanie?

Tue, 24 Feb 2009 01:29:21 GMT

[Filter: Private]

I

I hadn't ... I hadn't intended for this to happen. I just ... she looked so innocent. So ... so pure and beautiful, and she needed me, she needs me to take care of her, and ...

... Edeyn can't know. She says she won't breathe a word, but she looked so shaken. Dragons, I didn't mean to hurt her. ~~I thought~~

Edeyn can't know. I ~~She~~ She won't forgive me so easily, not this time. I need to be sure that she doesn't breathe a word.

This wasn't what I wanted, but ... but I can't get her face out of my head. Stephanie ...

Sat, 21 Feb 2009 19:41:52 GMT

[Filter: Private]

Myca ...

It's been a long time, now. I ... I miss you, every day, but I ...

I'm still here. Thanks to Edeyn, in parts. In many parts ... but I still feel like I've accomplished something, however small. There's still life yet to be lived, people left to help, and my daughters ...

And Stephanie. She needs me more than anyone.

[Filter: Stephanie]

Stephanie ... there's something I have to tell you.

Tue, 17 Feb 2009 04:31:15 GMT

[Filter: Edeyn]

... thank you.

Sat, 14 Feb 2009 07:57:56 GMT

[Filter: Private]

Myca ... Kyrene ...

Dragons, it hurts. I just ...

Why?

Wed, 04 Feb 2009 13:07:59 GMT

[Filter: Edeyn]

I can't ...

I don't know if I can ... do this, Edeyn ...

I feel myself slipping ... slipping back to that day ... the last time I was with him ... how pale and small he was. It's like the walls just start closing in and I'm drowning ...

I don't know how to talk to the girls ... I don't know how to deal with ... with anything.

All I see if his face. And hers, as well ... Myca and Kyrene ...

Sun, 25 Jan 2009 03:11:49 GMT

[Filter: Private]

I don't ...

I don't want to hide things from them ... I want to tell them what's wrong. Tell them how losing Myca shattered me as much as losing their mother. They deserve the truth, about everything ...

... but she says ...

[Filter: Edeyn]

If you have a moment ...

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 08:00:23 GMT

[Filter: Private]

~~A man, looking for ...~~

Maybe he's a soldier. Maybe he's a family member ...

... whoever he is, I won't let him take Stephanie away. She belongs here now.

She does look beautiful in that dress. So ... so innocent.

[Filter: Edeyn]

~~You seem~~ ~~I was~~

... did something happen? You've been gone for so much longer than you were supposed to, and you didn't write, even when I ...

... I was worried.

Sat, 18 Oct 2008 10:25:27 GMT

[Filter: Miss Morrigan]

Ah, if you ... have a moment, I ...

I think you're part of a village that I ... apparently own, which would make me your leige lord, and I just have a ... question for you, if you have time. ... please.

Mon, 13 Oct 2008 23:30:20 GMT

[Filter: Edeyn]

... Edeyn?

Fri, 10 Oct 2008 00:50:49 GMT

[Filter: Edeyn]

... I've been thinking about him so much, since the Festival. Every single day. I know you don't approve of what was between he and I, but no matter how wrong it may have been, it was real, and every single day, I wake up and he's still gone ...

I think the girls might be worried. I don't know how I can put a lie of a smile on my face just for them, but how can't I?

I ... I'm so lost without you here. People come to me asking about taxes and housing and I don't know what to tell them. You take care of all of that.

I need you to come home, Edeyn ...

Wed, 24 Sep 2008 02:40:04 GMT

[Filter: Private]

I have my girls, and they're happy, but ...

But I don't have Myca, or Kouri, or Kyrene. Without them, those I loved the most, apart from Lian, I might as well have no one. Nothing ...

There's no such thing as a Happy Festival. Not without them.

Lian ... can't know that.

Thu, 14 Aug 2008 21:00:32 GMT

[Filter: Private]

Stephanie ... really is such a wonderful child. She's come such a long way. She was so skittish when she first arrived ... always looking over her shoulder. Myca was the only one who could ...

But she's bloomed, a little. There's a ... a sunlight from here. Spring and flowers.

I want to do more for her. To see her smile. When she does, it ... I almost forget about Myca, but not in a way that makes me feel guilty. Just peaceful.

[Filter: Edeyn]

Do you have a moment, Edeyn?

Sat, 28 Jun 2008 04:41:50 GMT

[Filter: Private]

How could I have just forgotten ...? Myca ... could I forget about you so quickly? When you were gone, I didn't even want to live, and now ... now I can even forget your birthday?

Lian ... it wasn't your fault, darling ... I needed to be punished by someone. The fact that it was you ... I should thank you, I should. I need to ...

Myca ...

I love you. I'll always love you. I ...

I can't ... I can't forget ... I can't.

... I'm sorry, everyone.

[Filter: Lian]

Darling ... I'd like to hear your pieces one more time, before the party ... could you ... do that for me?

Fri, 20 Jun 2008 21:52:08 GMT

[Filter: Private]

I shouldn't have forgotten ...

Myca, forgive me ...

Fri, 18 Apr 2008 05:45:44 GMT

[Filter: Stephanie]

... I have something for you. A gift.

Mon, 14 Apr 2008 02:59:38 GMT

[Filter: Private]

Myca ...

I-I should get up and ... and do something, I think. Maybe I'll go out into the town.

I wish Edeyn were here. ... or Myca ...